Time to change that!
One of the reason why I didn't have written anything might be the fact that I was pretty sick in the last weeks. Just for example. In the middle of January I get the novovirus. I get so sick that I had to call the ambulance. I felt pretty sick and weak for a long time.
And now? Now I'm heartbroken? And for me this really feels like being sick! The last days were pretty hard. For me it feels like dying! And I know exactly what is dying in the inside. I have cried a lot, but I also tried to abstract myself from all this shitty feelings. I went to CMC here in Hamburg (a little comicconvention for one day). I was one hour to late because I had problems to stand up. Everything felt so meaningless. But I made it to this little convention...where Everyone was asking why I was late...yeah great! But it was nice! I have meet a lot of my friends and for a couple of hours i was able to forget about the pain. My friend riedel was next to me and we talked a lot. My friend Kuka was able to finally give me my birthday- and christmaspresents. Such a sweetheart! She always makes so lovely presents! Most of the time i have the feeling that i don't deserve such kindness!
I also meet some lovely fans! I always feel honured when people came back to by my stuff. To get another drawing from me or when they show me stuff that is inspired by my art. There was also a camerateam form the WDR. They have made a documentation about the comic-and manga-Scene. So you will be able to see me in this documentation. I'm just talking and smiling. Nothing speacial. But i guess i will look totally stupid.
Yesterday was hard! I felt so sick, depressed and fucking lonley! Lonelyness was never a problem for me! But since i was dumb enogh to fall in love with another person, i'm feeling lonely as fuck!
Being alone is great! But lonelyness just sucks!
But whatever...i didn't know what to do! Because there was only thoughts about death and dying! So much death! The most people would say "I'm alive!" because they fell alive. But i would say when you live, you also dying! But for me fells live more than dying! This is why i would say "I'm dying" because for me it feels like that. This is how my life feels to me.
One of the things that helped me a bit is music.
I love this song so much! The lyrics are awesome! It really describt perfectly how i feel!
Another great song is "Coma White" from MarylinManson. I love this song! And i love the Video! Goddamit this is the kind of music and video that i wanted to make! Really wish i could live in this musicvideo!
I also listen repeatedly to the song "Salva Nos 2" in my iTunes-playlist! Sadly it's not on YouTube! But it's so beautiful and dark! This also the kind of music that i wanted to make!
I have listen to this song and decided to get drunk. And it was the best idea ever! To get drunk is, of course, not the solution for everthing! But yesterday it helps! So i listen to this songs, get drunk and was able to work on my soloexhibition! It was awesome! The alcohol helps to drown the pain and the feeling! And then i have done what all good artist do in such a situation! They take this shitty feelings and make art out of this shit! And so far i really like what i have done! And today, i really feel i bit better than yesterday...
